Five Things You Should Have by the Time You Turn 31

At the beginning of the year, I type out all the Wednesdays and Sundays—blog days—and put a couple placeholders in. Beginning of the school year we like to shout out our new executive boards for the SPARK Program. November 9 we celebrate Joy Day, the anniversary of the first “Happiness is.” And May 20 we celebrate a Birthday Giveback on/around my birthday.

But I’ve had another placeholder for about 5 months now that just said “Things You Should Have by the Time You Turn 31.” The only thing I ever wrote was “a favorite hummus.”

As I sat down to work on some writing, I found myself drawn to this idea of a favorite hummus and other essentials by the time one hits three decades and change. Here is what I landed on:

Number 1: Something you are proud of. And before you say, “well, I don’t feel really proud of anything.” Or before you think you haven’t done anything of note. If you are reading this on the precipice of 31—or any age really—and you’ve made it to this age, haven’t you survived all these years? All the things that could go wrong in this swirling mess and here you are, living 31 years. Over 11,000 days. Sunrises. Sunsets. That alone should make you feel proud.

Number 2: A love and a loss. Neither of these must be active. Neither of these must be forever. The love could be a person or a pastime. The loss could be a friend or a football game. But it’s important that you’ve given yourself time and space to deeply feel the euphoria of love. And to heal from the emptiness of loss. It is important, I’ve found, to savor both. 

Number 3: A handful of happy memories. Maybe, if you’re lucky, many, many handfuls. Take a stroll through your memory bank. Maybe it was your 7th birthday party. Maybe it was your 27th. Maybe it was that morning you went for a walk at the park and watched the fog whisper across the lake and how if you inhale really deeply you can still smell petrichor mixed with hometown flora. Maybe it was the night you made pancakes for dinner and sang into your spatula. Maybe it’s a memory that you can barely access now; the memories are fuzzy and the details feel distant but that feeling of joy can still warm your body from the inside out.

Number 4: A string of disasters, abrupt endings, dare I say, failings. You may have your career all figured out. But was it a smooth road? You may have found the love of your life. But was everything perfect on the road to romance? I’d comfortably bet it hasn’t always been perfect. Embrace that. Embrace that life is messy and complicated and that there were days or months or whole years where you didn’t know what way was up. Maybe you still don’t. But have you lived to tell the story of every mistake? And perhaps more importantly, isn’t there at least one that is maybe, kind of, a little funny now?

Number 5: Unanswered questions. For fun, I consulted some similar articles for people turning ~30 and they were filled with tangible, well-intentioned advice about how much money you should have in the bank, what your career should look like, and how you should manage relationships, health, home, and seemingly every other big adult factor. But I prefer someone who can sit and admit that they don’t know it all. Who is still committed to learning and growing and figuring out exactly what they want from this big, wide world. 

Oh I’m practically minded. I have clear financial goals and I take my health very seriously. I’m focused on my career and my relationships and my passions and side projects. And it can be tempting at any age to check-in to see where my peers have landed at 31. 

But for what?

Two of my best friends are the exact age I am. We live in three different states in three different living situations. Three different relationship statuses. Three different career paths. Is any of us more right than the other?

I’m proud of myself.

I have loved and I have lost.

I have more happy memories than I can count.

I have just as many disasters, abrupt endings, and failings. 

And I have so, so, many unaswered questions. 

And how exciting that is. 

I hope you can believe it for yourself too.