I was scanning the “notes” section of my phone the other day – a usual catchall for everything from directions to peoples addresses to life-changing epiphanies I have at three a.m. that make significantly less sense in the morning light. I stumbled upon a longer note from Monday, September 4th 2017:
I don’t like that I’ve defaulted to busy. I don’t like that my “go-to” response is “tired and busy and worn down.”
I had a fleeting feeling tonight where I realized I wasn’t stressed or overwhelmed. I didn’t feel terribly behind. I was just here.
Maybe this is what life is supposed to be.
I can’t tell you the last time I felt like that. Years? Even on vacations, I still know I’ll be coming back to chaos. But what if every day is our own vacation. What if every day has something good so we don’t have to just “get to Friday” or just “look forward to the next holiday.”
I want to feel calm normally. And I want to know that that’s okay.
I read that slowly and could feel my heart hurting a little bit for one-year-ago Liz. For the longest time, I forced myself to operate in a case of constant stress. I operated like a great white shark – convinced that if I were to stop swimming, I’d die.
Much of this, I realize, comes from a deeper desire to be continually productive – to match movie night with knitting or to cook dinner while talking on the phone. As a good friend continually pointed out – I was never content to just be.
It’s a constant work in progress for me, learning to relax and be comfortable with silence. About the same time I wrote that note last year, I had a realization that if I was ever too busy for a spontaneous coffee date with a friend, then I was too busy. Period. While I appreciate hard work and responsibility, I am choosing to believe that life can also be fun and carefree.
I am ready to embrace the calm and I am ready to reconcile the desire to accomplish with the need to be at peace. Embracing a more balanced life begins now.