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An Apology To Me

Dear me,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that something unknown has happened to you in the last month to allow you to completely shut down. I’m sorry that whatever is going on inside you cannot be explained in proper words to the people who care. I’m sorry in advance, that you just splurged on a chicken and cheese calzone that turned into way too much cheese and grease but you proceeded to eat anyway because we both know you are going to have a stomachache later. But above all else, I’m sorry you’ve given up on yourself.

I don’t know what’s going on or what happened to the freakishly ambitious person I know, but I’m sorry you’re having trouble finding her. I’m sorry the biggest accomplishment of your day was showering and I’m sorry you’ve gotten yourself to a point where you feel like you can’t recover. I’m sorry you’ve given up on yourself.

I’m sorry you feel like you have no direction and I’m sorry that you have a lack of confidence so powerful you think you won’t bounce back. I’m sorry you’re having forty life crises every day. I’m sorry you’re unable to see the positives right now and I’m sorry you don’t believe in your own abilities. I’m sorry you’ve given up on yourself.

I’m sorry it took you so long to step outside today. I’m sorry you didn’t realize how beautiful of a day it was until it was on the decline. I’m sorry you’ve been wasting away mornings, your favorite time of the day. I’m sorry you’re stuck in your mind as of late. And I’m sorry you’ve given up on yourself.

You’ve done yourself a number this time, a terrible disservice really…to completely lose hope in the one thing we should never abandon.

Dear me,

Like it or not, you are stuck with me. In our tiny little subletted room in the middle of the most expensive city in the country, right now we are all we have. And to give up so easily, to back down so quickly, and to retreat into sadness and defeat would be completely unfair to future “you.” And you deserve better than that.

And so, I’m sorry you’ve given up on yourself.

But I’m very proud of the fact that you’ve realized it. I’m proud of what cold air, long walks, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches can make you realize. I’m proud that there is still a small glimmer in you that doesn’t want to give up.

I’m sorry I gave up on you. I’m sorry I didn’t think you were worth trying for or worth fighting for. I’m sorry I stopped believing you were good enough. I’m sorry for wasted time.

I guess we forgot. You can change your circumstances at any time. Nothing is set in stone. You can run if you want to run. You can endure if you chose to endure. You can do whatever it is you want to do but you have to knock it off, pull yourself together, and believe in yourself. You have to believe that you are kind and capable and deserving.

Dear me,

I’m sorry I stopped trying and believing and achieving.

Dear me,

You are worth stars and the moon and a million peanut butter and jelly sandwiches – extra crunchy peanut butter, of course.

Dear me,

Eyes to the sky. You’ll get through. You always have.

Dear me,

I believe in you. Now let’s go for it…and let’s figure out what “it” is as we go.

Love always,


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