I Wouldn’t Pass Calculus Today

August 2, 2020

Seeking inspiration, I opened my document of half-written notes and semi-lovely lines. Forever writing, this page is a catch-all for in-progress thoughts and potential future blog posts. One immediately caught my eye. “Write a blog post about why self-performance reviews are so freaking hard.” The bullet points underneath are a conversation with my mom:

 

Me: “This is so hard and I am so stressed.”

Mom: “Liz, you can do this. It’s not a calculus test!”

Me: *with dramatic flair* “I’d rather take a calculus test!!”

 

I paused before immediately realizing:

 “Oh my gosh; I would totally bomb a calculus test right now.”

 

Calculus was one of those skills from high school that never fully clicked. It didn’t translate to anything I wanted to do with my future and while I studied hard at the time and while I passed the class, I was 100% certain that I could retain absolutely none of it now.

 

That’s when I started laughing. “I can’t do any calculus.” And I realized I laughed because I didn’t care about calculus. I wasn’t bothered by my lack of calculus ability because calculus wasn’t important to me. 

 

I was, however, stressing myself out over a performance review because the organization that had asked me to complete it was important to me. 

 

And that’s why I was worried about the task at hand. Because it mattered. 

 

I remember talking to a friend once and apologizing for what felt like a lack of attention or care on my behalf. They responded that they knew I cared. I wouldn’t be worried or concerned if I didn’t. The fact that we were even having that conversation showed a level of care and diligence. 

 

Important things matter. Important things can also wedge deep into your heart. Let them. 

 

Love always,

Liz

 

 

 

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