About halfway through October and halfway under my covers, I was desperately trying to fall asleep when I thought of my monthly Essence.
Man, I struggled enough with “Accepting September,” how am I going to write a blog post in two weeks explaining that I, once again, failed to live into my intentions.
I burrowed further under the pillows, wondering what Intention really means anyway and why this was what was keeping me up at night. I was kicking myself for picking such an ambitious and results-driven Essence. I squeezed my eyes shut, the darkness of my eyelids somehow more comforting than the darkness of my bedroom.
I wasn’t ready for grand Intentions and scripted plans. I held onto my stuffed animal polar bear. I was desperate for Healing.
A small part of me wondered if I should erase my Essence and re-write how I wanted to spend October in a space of Healing - physically, mentally, emotionally. After an hour of overactive mind, I quieted my thoughts enough to sleep, and decided I would cross the bridge of “good Intentions” when I absolutely had to. I was still so sure I wouldn’t know what to say.
It wouldn’t click for me for another week, when I found myself sitting criss cross applesauce on the floor of my childhood public library, picking up book after book and wondering if the canvas bag I had brought with me could hold all the resource guides, nonfiction text, and, okay few cookbooks, I had tucked under my arm.
The intention for October was to begin more full-time work with The Smile Project. The idea was to create tangible plans for growth and a big vision for, well, everything I guess, and while normally my heart lives off that kind of pressure and excitement, this time, my adrenaline was silent.
Maybe my Intention didn’t have to be about wild business growth. Maybe my Intention was about something different and maybe that something changed every day.
The day I went to the library, my Intention was to pick up interesting books and learn for the sake of learning.
The day I ran ten miles for the first time since the Spring, my Intention was to challenge my body on the hills of Western Pennsylvania and remind myself of my own strength.
The day I worked through breakfast and lunch on The Smile Project with no concept of time, my Intention was to get lost in work that excites me.
In preparation to write this post, I looked up the definition of Intention one more time:
Intention: a thing intended, an aim or a plan.
Maybe I hadn’t been too far off.
Then my eyes jumped slightly down the page as I read the second definition
Intention: (MEDICINE) the healing process of a wound.
I thought back to that restless night earlier in the month. Maybe I was healing all along and perhaps just by a different name.
Maybe that’s what healing looks like most of the time, an unintentional daily practice of becoming stronger and being blissfully unaware. Maybe healing was an intention I never could have set or wished for but one that found me nonetheless. Maybe healing isn’t linear or perfect or something that can be crossed off a to-do list. Maybe, just maybe, this is a life-long Intention that I am finally ready to make space for.